We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize