Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
