soooo we both peed the bed last night...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
