I think I died a long time ago.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
