what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
