i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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