is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
