He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
