Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize