I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
