Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
