I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
