She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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