dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
