WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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