i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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