Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
