Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
