i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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