Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
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