I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
