My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
