if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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