nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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