Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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