You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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