I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
