do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize