I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
