at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
