u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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