Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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