Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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