OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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