wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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