Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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