I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
