can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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