i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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