I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize