The brown eye won't let me do that either.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
