yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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