Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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