u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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