Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
