im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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