I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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