dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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