hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
