Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
