So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
