yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize