is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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