So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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