Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
