rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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