I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
