My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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