btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
