Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
