If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
