I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
