I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
