So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
